Alex Chiou

Communication is a skill that software engineers often underestimate in terms of importance, and being good at it is effectively a senior engineer requirement. In this series, you will learn how to:

- Earn trust quickly and make people like you fast
- Resolve disagreements
- Make it easy for others to understand and resonate with you
- Be a friendly, visible, and high-performing presence on any team (both remote and in-person)

Effective Communication For Engineers

Overview

Establishing Trust

Handling "Awkward" Conversations

Finishing Words

Finale (How You Can Continue Learning)

Core High-Level Principles

Basic Tactics

Building Relationships

The Power Of Thanks

Deep Listening

Resolving Disagreements

Giving Feedback

Communicating In A Remote World

Effective Communication Guide [Part 7] - Finale + How You Can Learn More

- Zooming out, good communication is about *building positive energy*. Sharing feedback to help someone improve, empathizing with people's struggles, giving heartfelt thanks - These all generate positive energy.
- If you're feeling angry or frustrated, take some time to calm down and collect your thoughts, especially if you want to share that in a more public setting. After you've done this, then you can share your problems in a constructive way.
- This series just barely scratches the surface when it comes to communication. Just keep practicing and you'll get better!

Effective Communication Guide [Part 1] - Core High-level Principles

Software engineers are notorious for their poor soft skills, often thinking that being able to write decent code while isolated in a corner is all they need to succeed. This couldn't be further from the truth. Communication in particular is crucial for software engineer career development, especially to senior and staff level. This lesson teaches you:

- **Communication is fundamentally an exercise in empathy** - The entire goal of communication is to align with or win over another human being in some way.
  - Strive to put yourself in the shoes of the person you're communicating with. Try to see the world through their eyes.
  - What are their values? What makes them happy? What are they struggling with? What do they care about? What's their background?
- **Understand others' incentives** - This is especially important in a corporate environment where every employee has some incentives they're pursuing. This will often times manifest as what are the values of the other person's org and even more concretely, *what they get rewarded for in performance review*.
- **Over-communication &gt;&gt;&gt; Under-communication** - Under-communication's downside is that people are not aligned, which usually leads to lots of thrash and wasted work. That is much, much worse than the failure mode of over-communication, which is that you're a bit annoying (and this can be easily toned down and fixed). If you're trying to get better at communication, push for the over-communication extreme: Chances are, you will never reach it. It is *very rare* for someone to be communicating too much - Most people will appreciate the increased availability of information.

Related resources:

- [The Crucial First Step To Building Relationships That Everyone Misses](https://www.jointaro.com/lesson/YPniDFNQqoHEpYHC9JEq/the-crucial-first-step-to-building-relationships-that-everyone-misses/)
- [Stop Getting Ghosted With Your Reachouts - How To Write A Great Cold Message](https://www.jointaro.com/lesson/eZRHXEpxdJjcxK2aQTWl/stop-getting-ghosted-with-your-reachouts-how-to-write-a-great-cold-message/)
- [I Sucked At This For 25 Years As An Engineer – 8 Tips For Communication](https://www.jointaro.com/lesson/s0vZkFtwe3x4tALbdbEr/i-sucked-at-this-for-25-years-as-an-engineer-8-tips-for-communication/)

Effective Communication Guide [Part 2] - Basic Tactics

Most software engineers are socially awkward, and they perceive communication as this mythical skill that is impossible for them to master. Well, it turns out that there's quite a lot of very easy things you can do to become much better at communication. This lesson teaches you:

- **Use tentative language** - You can always be wrong, and you should acknowledge that in how you communicate:
  - Bad: "Your code isn't performant."
  - Good: "I think this code may have performance issues."
- **Body language matters** - Communication isn't only the words you say or write, it's also how you express with your face and body. This is something that is biologically wired into humans: Put your entire self into it when you are communicating, especially when you're listening! This is covered more in the part of this course: [Effective Communication Guide \[Part 3.2\] - Deep Listening](https://www.jointaro.com/lesson/q1UyjOoZ2pud9IdmXlVJ/effective-communication-guide-part-32-deep-listening/)
- **No leading "hello" for digital communication** - When asking for help digitally, don't do a greeting and then wait for a response greeting before jumping into your ask: Just attach your ask from the get-go. Software is all about efficiency and waiting for this round trip makes things less efficient. For more advice around asking for help effectively, here's our in-depth video about it: [Asking Effective Questions That Get Great Answers Quickly](https://www.jointaro.com/lesson/HV8sq75WxM9VhK0dhUun/asking-effective-questions-that-get-great-answers-quickly/)
- **Lead with the core point** - Think of a "tldr" when it comes to long articles. This also applies to how you talk: Start with the main idea, and then go into the details. When you start by going into the weeds (very common for earlier-in-career engineers), it's very easy for people to be uninterested or get lost in what you're saying. For an example of how this applies to technical writing, check out this Q&A from a Meta engineer about it: ["How to get more visibility on work?"](https://www.jointaro.com/question/XA0X51AypDLCeVeleJv4/how-to-get-more-visibility-on-work/)

Effective Communication Guide [Part 3] - Building Relationships

In order to succeed as a software engineer, you need people to like you. So how do you make that happen quickly? This lesson teaches you:

- **Relationships are all about trust** - The more someone trusts you, the more they will share with you, and the more effective your collaboration can become. The 1 on 1 meeting is the most mechanism to earn this trust.
- **Trust by default** - Trust is extremely hard to earn and very easy to lose. The best way to earn someone's trust is to give them a lot of your trust. This will trigger a response where they will strive to follow The Golden Rule, giving you more of their trust to make things balanced. For an example of trusting by default and earning trust lightning fast, check out [our deep dive into great mentorship here](https://link.jointaro.com/YdUM4JP89Sjh7ruv5).
- **Make small talk** - 2-5 minutes of small talk per 1 on 1 can go a long way. By talking about things outside of work, you are showing that you truly care about them as a person.
- **Be honest** - Tell it to people straight, and don't mince words. By showing that you're comfortable sharing what you're genuinely thinking, people will want to do the same. This is especially powerful when talking about problems.
- **Use humor and self-deprecation** - Everyone likes to laugh: It's a very human thing to do. Crack a joke here and there when you can. Self-deprecation is effective as it's safe (you are poking fun at yourself instead of someone else) and shows your humility.
- **Show thanks** - Don't take your colleagues doing great work for granted: Doing great work is always hard. There is really no such thing as giving too much thanks and making people feel too appreciated. *This is a severely under-utilized technique*. Giving heartfelt thanks is supremely powerful - You can turn someone's bad day into a good one.

Effective Communication Guide [Part 3.1] - The Power Of Thanks

- Alex's story:
  - At Meta, there was a tool called "Thanks Bot" where you could publicly thank a coworker, and it would alert them, their manager, and your manager.
  - Given that this tool was more "heavy", people at Meta tended to use it for thanking fairly large efforts.
  - Alex had a great coworker back at Portal who would use it to thank people whenever they just spent 5-10 minutes helping him with something. This took people by surprise as they weren't expecting such a thanks for something relatively minor.
- Thank people for small and medium sized good deeds, whether they helped you or just did some really good work. Thanks is cheap - You always come out hugely "on top" in interactions where you give thanks: Giving thanks takes a few minutes tops and receiving helping often requires 10+ minutes of the other person's time.
- If someone really went out of their to way to do something great, reach out to their manager and thank them there as well. This really deepens your thanks, and it helps them receive proper credit, which could even be reflected in performance review.

Effective Communication Guide [Part 3.2] - Deep Listening

- *Communication isn't just how you share information, it's also about how you take in information.*
- It is crucial to listen intently, especially during 1 on 1s. A lot of people don't realize that there's a large skill range when it comes to listening.
- How to show that you're engaged:
  - Lean in
  - Nod to acknowledge core points
  - For something heavier, you can say "Mmhmm".
- A very powerful way to gain trust is to listen to people's problems and acknowledge them. A lot of people when they're faced with a problem, their initial goal isn't to actually solve the problem: It's just to find someone who will listen to their pain and feel less alone.
  - Just saying something along the lines of "Dang, that sucks" can go a long way.
  - Letting someone know that you have also faced this problem is also very effective. It builds solidarity and can help combat imposter syndrome as a lot of people are afraid that they are the only one facing the problem they have due to their own lack of ability.
- Revel in people's wins with them! Respond to people's excitement and positive energy with your own.

Effective Communication Guide [Part 4] - Resolving Disagreements

- **Your goal with a disagreement isn't to prove that your side is correct; it's actually the opposite - Try to tear down your own argument.**
- Don't view the situation as a "Us vs. Them" mentality. It's not a debate that you have to "win". If you come in with this mentality, the other side will respond in kind, and you will never get anything done.
- Acknowledge the operating principles and incentives of the other side, and try to weave them into your approach as well.
- Example: Your designer proposes beautiful but overly ambitious design that cannot be done on the current aggressive build timeline.
  - Bad: "We don't have enough time to build these designs, so let's toss them out."
  - Good: "These designs look amazing! However, the timeline is pretty tight, so we may not be able to get everything within them. Can we get the low-hanging fruit with this intermediate state design to hit the ship goal, and then we can get the remaining design extras as a fast-follow? I really want to bring all these aesthetics to life, but I want to make sure we hit the deadline as well."
- Be comfortable with compromise and reaching a middle-ground that imbues something from both sides. It's possible that the other perspective is completely incorrect, but this will be very rare as people in tech are generally pretty smart. *You should very rarely treat your approach as one where compromise cannot be made at all.*

Effective Communication Guide [Part 5] - Giving Feedback

- If you're giving constructive feedback, try to pair it with something positive. In general, positives are good at offsetting negatives.
- Tentative language is also crucial, especially with constructive feedback.
- Example feedback around running meetings:
  - **Bad:** "You need to stop cutting people off in meetings."
  - **Good:** "You do a great job running meetings and making sure that they're on track, but I feel like in pursuit of that, you sometimes cut people off too soon and aggressively instead of letting their voice fully be heard. I think letting everyone get their complete thoughts out is important for our team, and we can always extend the meeting length if there's no way we can time-box properly while doing this."
- Your overall mentality should be, *"How can we all become better?"*, as opposed to, *"I need to tell this person why they suck."*.
- If you don't feel too close to the person you're giving feedback to, you can go through your manager to share the feedback with them or with their manager. At a high-level, you can see your manager as a "people API" to abstract away issues like these.

Effective Communication Guide [Part 6] - Communicating In A Remote World

- What is lost in a remote work environment when it comes to communication?
  - **Volume:** A lot of ad-hoc communication ("water cooler chats") can't happen anymore.
  - **Depth of presence:** When you're on a video call, it's mainly just your face that's visible. In an in-person meeting, especially 1 on 1 meetings, your entire body is visible, which lets you express a lot more via your body language.
- **If you're comfortable, have video on during calls** - Use your facial expressions to really show that you're listening and truly hearing what the other person or people have to say.
- **Book 1 on 1s very aggressively** - 1 on 1 meetings are the core building block behind strong relationships. In an in-person environment, you will build relationships naturally through other means like team lunch, but since those are lost in a remote environment, you need to lean on 1 on 1s far more.
- **Get really good at technical writing** - In a remote world, especially with teams distributed across multiple time zones, a lot more communication has to happen asynchronously.
  - Project updates are very important in particular. It's much harder to stay aligned when everyone is apart.
  - If you aren't already, try to write a project update for your work every 2 weeks or more.