How do I not compare myself to others in my career?

Anonymous User at Taro Community3 years ago

I am usually very competitive and while I love my friends, I have this internal push to always do better than people around me. I got promoted to SWE II within a year in 2021 and I was so proud of that. However, this year my manager changed and without really knowing or understanding me, he gave me the feedback of "didn't meet expectations" in our annual performance review in Feb. I had full plans to change my company soon since I didn't feel supported by my manager. However, my father fell incredibly ill in May (still is) which canceled all my plans as I moved back home to support my family.

I have a feeling my friend who is on a different team than I am (but reports to the same manager) might get promoted to senior. She deserves it. She got different opportunities than I did but I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy knowing that all I want this coming Feb is "meets expectation" rating while my friend might get promoted. Another friend of mine switched to a company that seems incredible but I somehow feel "behind" in my career despite knowing that I will meet the career goals I have next year. I am already a million times a better software dev than I was beginning of the year. I have close relationships with my colleagues but how do I focus on my own lane and not compare myself to others?

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Discussion

(3 comments)

37
Alex Chiou
•Robinhood, Meta, Course Hero, PayPal
3 years ago
Sorry to hear about your dad and the bad performance review result. Really hoping for your dad to get better!

My main piece of advice is to create clear career goals that are tied solely to yourself. I talk about this more in the following discussions:

"How to be more assertive in workplace?"

"How to build up my confidence and overcome imposter syndrome with amazing teammates?"

For me, my career goal was to help as many people as possible. It's a more positive, idealistic goal and it's also easy to measure. I accomplished this goal through:

Mentoring others

Building free, ad-free Android apps that were used by more and more people

Expanding my scope as a tech lead, creating projects that advanced and helped the team.

Try to find a goal like that: Having a clear, bright North Star makes it easy for all the right actions to flow, and it outshines that negative energy from comparing yourself to others.

Lastly (and this is much easier said than done of course), I recommend converting that comparison energy into motivation. Instead of feeling bad that you're "falling behind", feel inspired knowing that you can achieve the same heights as them. If you're still feeling competitive, turn this into the drive to become even better than they are with that "friendly anime rival" energy, haha.
10
Rahul Pandey
•Tech Lead/Manager at Meta, Pinterest, Kosei
a month ago
I talk about an analogy in the Senior to Staff course regarding team selection, but I think it's relevant here. Imagine the team or the company you're on as a bus going down the highway:

By working hard and getting a promotion, you are advancing closer to the front of the bus.

As the company and industry grows, that indicates that the bus is speeding up down the highway.

No matter how hard you work, the furthest you'll get is to the front of the bus. But what matters much more is the bus you're on: are you in a growing team, company, or industry? Do you feel like the skill you're learning will let you catch the right bus later on?

The point is that there's a lot more not in your control than there is in your control. e.g. if you were lucky enough to work in an Internet company in 1996, your career will be a lot further along compared to if you joined an Internet company in the 2010s.

Do what you can to learn, have impact, and surround yourself with good people. It sounds like you're doing that. Keep it up and you'll succeed 📈
0
Trisha
•Backend SWE
a month ago
In terms of comparing yourself to others, it's hard to tell how much of it is something you can work on and how much of it is your friends are still working on their social skills and compassion.

I generally have pretty high self-esteem and that in mind, I've come across people who are really annoying in that they talk about their own accomplishments and it feels like a competition. It brings out a competitive and jealous side of me that I don't like. On the other hand, I love it when I'm around supportive people who support me, and as a result I'm genuinely happy for them when they do well.

It's very well possible that your new grad, software engineer friends don't have the best social skills and they get really defensive around you which triggers you to become defensive as well. Or, maybe even since you're the competitive one, you're the one that brings it out of them and they're reflecting that energy back to you. Being able to externalize things is generally my MO (modus operandi) for handling negative emotions.

Another way to frame it is instead of comparing yourself to others -- how can you be nice to them and make them feel good so that you can be a part of their successful network? Imagine meeting someone when they're just getting started, and 5 years from now they're doing even better than before and the company you keep is a reflection of your own qualities, plus having that network will open future opportunities for you.